"You know how they say we only use 10% of our brains? I think people also use only 10% of their lives....." November, 2008.
If it’s me you want to have and to hold
You must cease at once to glower and scold.
It’s strange to say it, but I must be bold:
War with you for what I want, leaves me cold.
The winds of fortune may buffet and blow
And pummel me here, there and to and fro.
My life must be allowed its ebb, its flow
This is the only true thing that I know.
The tides of that life are in my sole care,
They are, to me, a personal affair.
If it’s this tidal wave you want to share,
Then, I’m afraid, you will have much to bear.
But do not doubt my honour, love or nerve
They have never faltered, swayed or swerved.
And do not think my gentleness is curbed.
But at all costs, destiny must be served……
My desires in life have always been "unwomanly" and my appetites (for sex, for knowledge, for experience, for life) tremendous and insatiable. I did not want marriage, houses or children. I have always wanted so, so much more. What woman today or yesterday speaks of a destiny or has a certain conviction of their own ability to "make a difference" on a larger scale? Very few. The ones who have, have had the appropriate level of modesty and timidity, which I lack: as if fortune were thrust upon them rather than them thrusting themselves on fortune, as I am wont to do. Though truly and passionately loved, men have been, I must admit, expediencies to me: experiences, things to be devoured and digested. The springboard has proved elusive – mainly because these men have not given me the freedom I needed and have thrust, always, their own needs on me, relentlessly in assault after assault after assault. In doing so, rather than simply enjoying me for what I am and all that I can give and teach, they have allowed themselves to be left behind, tossed away and, almost, forgotten in my heart. I have come, a little, to view them as dangerous, mainly due to the energy they have cost me in preparing for, and engaging in, these battles. And, I have discovered through long and difficult experiences, that no matter how much I relent and conform to their needs for my own peace, there is always more that they want – an endless cup of want for men - and they are never satisfied until I submit (which I can only do for a very short period, until I run as fast as I can for the hills, the sunset or the sea).
There is no longer any doubt in my mind that the marriage of two souls leads directly to destruction of, it not both, at least one of the parties involved.
My vision is not one of "separate lives" – it is one of truly "shared’ lives – two lives, of equal importance. A life with no assaults. This cannot be a new idea to mankind. Two individuals always – the Rilke idea of "two lonlinesses acknowledging each other". Because, of course, we are, ultimately, all of us, completely alone….It is only in this mature acknowledgement of that fact that we can even begin as individuals to truly love ourselves and others. Simply for what they are when they are alone. There will be some more loveable than others (according to our tastes, which change over time) – it is a choice who we share our lives with. People can give us things besides conformity to our own needs: knowledge, discussion, growth, guidance, companionship, another way to experience life. Sometimes, maybe, they can be a springboard and help us achieve our own destinies and our own perfect selves. Together, such a place might be able to be created: a place of nourishment, not of denial.
If I relent again, I am a fool and deserve the end everyone else will get: disappointment: not in life (because life is endlessly possible, it keeps nothing from us – it is a river to swim in and a universe to explore), but in oneself. Disappointment for all the times the easy way was taken, and courage was lacking. Disappointment for all the untried things and the untested experiences. All the challenges that were carefully avoided. Disappointment that life – this special holiday from nothingness – was allowed by oneself to be ruled by fear and cowardice and a simpleton’s desire for "peace".
I have addressed this to no one, and to everyone.
It should stop for everyone. It must stop for me.
I have, it should be noted, written this in paroxysms of agony – and have had to take frequent "breaks" from this acute pain by lying on the floor under an unpleasantly dripping ceiling. I assume it’s the stress of giving birth to this OUTLOUD. To call me bitter is absurd: for I am not bitter – I am hopeful of getting more even now. I am certain to find what I need. In fact, I think it will be easier because I know now what I want and that, I am convinced, is the entire battle won already.